3 Crazy Ways Cats Would Redefine the Workplace

Over the past two years, many businesses moved to work from home. Now, employees are quite comfortable with their new habits and are reluctant to give that up. Don’t worry, though. Cats have had it rough during this time. First, humans no longer leave so they can take over desk chairs, sleep on keyboards, play hide and seek in the cabinets, or shred toilet paper throughout the home. Humans won’t stop petting them, put the toilet paper up in closets even though there are huge stacks hoarded away, and buy all the wrong cat food because they insist what the cat prefers is hard to find.

Cats understandably are fed up and if humans don’t want to go back to the office, then they most certainly will. Here are the top 3 ways cats would redefine the workplace if they were given the chance to do so:

• Create solutions
• Insist on change
• Hire only the best

Create Solutions

Cats have heard it all. Some walked across computer screens during zoom meetings or unplugged equipment as their owners struggled with clients who did not sound happy. Other cats sprang into the air, sinking their claws into a human’s back, using it as a jumping board to land on the bed and hide in the pillows from the loud shrieks of pain. Humans are way too delicate, yet that skin is satisfyingly soft and easily punctured, creating the perfect anchor for crazy feats.

Cats know they can make a difference if they are allowed to go to the office instead of humans. They have solutions that would leave people staring in shock and perhaps horror.

First, they would go through the office and snap thin telephone cables in two. This is the best way to keep grumpy clients from calling and wasting their time. After all, if a phone doesn’t ring, how can you prove there was ever a call? Who needs customer service anyway? Troubleshooting is for the birds unless they come into the office. Then the birds are dinner guests, yum.

Second, they would turn the huge wooden conference table into a ping pong court. They would use the forgotten stores of toilet paper in the janitor’s closet as ping pong balls. They wouldn’t need rackets since they have claws honed to needlepoints from all the fancy cat trees their humans bought them to try and keep them occupied during work hours. It would be more like volleyball, but semantics mean nothing in an office run by cats.

Third, they have a completely reasonable answer to angry customers who find the office and try to storm inside, demanding answers as to why the phones were not working. They would form an army. Anyone who tried to enter the building would be greeted with cats slinking around the security desk, yowling from the desktops. and swarming towards them from all parts of the office. It would be like the walking dead only with cats that were very much alive and ready to implement a killer solution.

Insist on Change

Human beings have so much to learn from cats. During the pandemic, they would scream at the screen in frustration because no one could hear unless you count the grumpy neighbor who thumped on the wall. Cats, on the other hand, will always voice their opinions, not worrying about what anyone thinks.

So, when they go to the office and the refrigerator has nothing inside, never fear. The feline community will demand Fancy Feast delights immediately. If anyone says no, they face the wrath of teeth and claws. In addition, they will have bowls filled with fresh food, available at all times. If it dries out, then it will be washed down the drain and refilled promptly.

There will be no exceptions. This includes everything from temperature control to the understanding that no dogs will ever enter the premises. Cats don’t need notebooks, pens, staplers, or other office supplies. They will create a list of cat toys, catnip snacks, kitty litter, and cat trees designed to make it easy to leap through the air from one part of the building to desks and onto printers so they never have to touch the floor. The idea that a cat cannot voice an opinion is completely absurd.

It might get a little loud in the building, but if humans don’t like it, then they should get out of bed and return to the office.

Hire Only the Best

When the cat recruitment team meets to determine what a good hiring process looks like, they will not be recruiting cats. All cats are perfect, so there is no need. If one walks through the doors, that cat is hired on the spot. For what may not be clear. The business plan in place has nothing to do with selling a product, offering services, or troubleshooting broken things. They will be hiring humans who listen and hop to attention upon demand. These positions will have no pay or benefits associated with them.

Cats have no place for money. So the cat army will go out and find people who don’t look busy, surround them, and herd them to the building. They will have no choice but to provide security, kitten daycare, food service, and the list goes on.

The best of the best may not like these changes, but the world changes. We have entered a new normal. People don’t seem to want to be around each other, claiming that it might make them sick, but after the Delta Variant, most of them already caught this thing they call the Virus. It’s more likely they just want to keep working from home so they can sneak away to sweep the floor, read a book, flip through movies, pull up their laptop to surf, or play video games. There is no accountability.

Cats will make them accountable, even if it’s just to give them what they want. There will be no more days where the person cries, “go away cat, can’t you see I’m working?”

Alas, this is only a dream playing through the mind of a sleeping cat behind you. As things stabilize, the return to work is imminent. Grieve if you must. Frantically search for anything that will allow you to stay home in your comfy cozy sweatpants and slippers. It probably won’t pay as much, but it might give you the freedom to stay home.

Above all, though, hug your kitty and thank her for not going in your place because if that happened, life as we know it will end and the New Cat Order will begin.